The other day I was talking to a caring friend about my family. She was asking questions about my family. It felt good to have someone care enough to ask me questions about myself but I was rather uncomfortable. I’m not embarrassed about my family but more uncomfortable about having others focus their attention only on me. The idea popped into my head that this has been a common theme in my life.
One day my future husband and I were walking by a jewelry store when he suddenly went in and started looking around. The sales lady at once started to ask me questions and my boyfriend was asking me about the type of jewelry I preferred. I panicked and wanted out of the store and for everyone to stop asking me what I wanted. This could be said about many other romantic notions. I once told my husband that my favorite restaurant was Sonic. He being a young guy and not knowing the complexities of women took me to Sonic throughout collage and only once to a “nice” restaurant, Chilis. I trying to prevent him from spending money on me burned my chance of experience exciting restaurants. This could be said for flowers and presents as well.
After collage, this cycle of self-worth continued. I was the one that would make your birthday special or would listen endlessly to you if your boyfriend broke up with you. I never spent much money on myself and was uncomfortable speaking to others about myself if the conversation lasted longer than two minutes. Once I had children the feeling of self-worth revolved around the acceptance of my children in society. I needed others to see how worthy I was by the way my children acted. At least we had started going to better restaurants.
This self worth issue started to change when my first child was born, I had dived into the world of health. I read books and bought supplements. I became very aware of what I put into and on my body. My first act of self love. I no longer ate healthy to be skinny but started to eat healthy to heal and nurture my body.
My second act of self love was quitting my teaching job. I no longer felt the desire to fight the education system and instead decided to place my energy on myself and family. My energy shift allowed me to take the time to think of what I wanted in life. What did I want to create and pour my energy into. At first, it felt like I was giving myself away to a dream that could not exist but slowly God placed people into my life that would help me fulfill my vision and teach me wonderful lessons.
I wasn’t ready to let go off my self-worth issue so took it upon myself to create and make decisions about everything in my new endeavor. I was there to serve and make something magical. I slowly learned that my dream of creating a community could not happen if I didn’t let the community help me.
This last several weeks, I have reflected on the word, “held.” Could it be that my issues with self worth have prevented me from allowing others to “hold” me. I have many in my life that are trying to hold me and for so long I haven’t allowed them too. My friend the other day texted me that she missed me and wanted to spend time with me. This morning a friend called and asked if I could help her with a special project and that she felt comfortable asking me for such a favor. My husband holds me and when he doesn’t, I can rest with in the word and know he truly loves me and is trying his best.
The new moon is today. It is the month of the Aries. I was told that the month of Aries involves self love and so here I stand. The first step has been taken and that was to realize past habits. Now I am free to change and accept that I am loved and don’t need to prove my love to anyone. I can freely accept what is given to me
Maybe I should plan a shopping spree!